There’s a process we all have to go through to prepare ourselves for a wild night out on the town with our girlfriends.
It requires eating the appropriate lunch and dinner so that we can fit into our tight outfits that night, about two hours in the bathroom with a bottle of wine and some party music while we get ready, and last but not least, it requires giving ourselves a firm lecture in the reflection of the mirror before we leave the house.
Usually in that half-tipsy lecture we give ourselves, there are about 50 promises made… and they generally involve the following:
#1 I’m only gonna have a single drink all night.
#2 I vow not to wait in a line for longer than 15 minutes tonight.
#3 I’m only going out to dance, that’s it – just dance!
#4 No seriously, I just wanna dance to some good music.
#5 I’m not gonna text my ex-boyfriend after having one too many drinks, I promise.
#6 I can totally walk in these heels even after I’m drunk.
#7 I’m not gonna take off my shoes at any point during the night.
#8 Table vodka is so gross that I don’t think I even want to drink tonight.
#9 I’m actually gonna tip the bathroom lady tonight for once.
#10 I’m not gonna make out with some guy on the dance floor whose face I can’t even see properly.
#11 Then again, I could potentially meet my future husband out at the club tonight.
#12 I’m not gonna ruin my diet by wolfing down a drunken pizza tonight.
#13 I’m not gonna trip and fall the whole way down the stairs at the club.
#14 I’m not gonna be lame and will actually make it out past midnight tonight.
#15 I’m not gonna stay out after 2am (but definitely staying out after midnight).
#16 I’m gonna be sleeping in my own bed tonight.
#17 I’m also gonna take off all my makeup when I get home and sleep in my own bed.
#18 I’m not gonna hit on the middle aged taxi driver as he drives me home.
#19 I’m not gonna drunk dial my sister.
#20 I’m not gonna drunk dial my mother.
#21 I’m not gonna drunk dial my grandmother.
#22 I’m not gonna take out my entire week’s built up frustration and anger on the bouncer at the club.
#23 I’m gonna wear my tights and I’m definitely going to rip them this time.
#24 I’m not gonna lose anything tonight.
#25 I’m not gonna drop my phone in the toilet tonight and then ask the bar tender for a bowl of rice to put it in.
#26 I’m not gonna get super generous drunk and buy everyone in the club shots.
#27 In fact, I’m not even gonna buy myself any shots. No shots tonight.
#28 I’m gonna make whatever guy I bring home wear a condom.
#29 I’m not gonna wake up wearing some stranger’s coat that I borrowed and never gave back.
#30 I’m gonna wear pants, and I’m gonna make sure those pants actually fit me.
#31 I’m gonna look out for my friends and make sure they don’t do anything stupid.
#32 I’m not gonna lose the coat-check ticket and end up spending 20 minutes describing what my coat looks like to the coat-check lady.
#33 I’m not gonna post a hundred drunk and blurry Snapchat videos.
#34 I’m not gonna steal all of the bathroom supplies for myself.
#35 I’m not gonna try to be sly and hide a bottle of vodka under my coat (it’s never worked before, it won’t work tonight).
#36 I’m not gonna vomit in the next 24 hours, at all. Not gonna happen.
#37 I’m not gonna be that stupid annoying b**ch at the bar.
#38 I’m not gonna get into a fight with the stupid annoying b**ch at the bar.
#39 I’m not gonna wake up with anything disgusting in my hair.
#40 Which reminds me; I forgot to wash my hair… oh well, no one will be able to tell, right?
#41 I’m not too old to wear this dress yet, I’ve still got a few more years before it becomes inappropriate.
#42 I’m not gonna abandon my friends and run off with some random guy that I’ll hate tomorrow.
#43 And if I do, I’ll at least make him pay for the taxi back to my place.
#44 I’m not gonna order Seamless after I get home, I promise. Not tonight!
#45 I’m gonna be able to remember every single moment of tonight when I wake up tomorrow.
#46 I’m not even really that bothered about going out tonight.
#47 No one can tell that I’ve stacked on a couple kilos in the last few weeks.
#48 I look drop dead gorgeous, I’m perfect, and every guy in the club is gonna want to take me home.
#49 I’m not gonna regret this entire night when I wake up tomorrow morning.
#50 Basically, I’m not gonna break a single one of the above promises… I swear!